The List- Chapter 2

Thank you all for continuing to read. it means a lot to me.

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Chapter 2

                Something shifted against Erin in the middle of the night causing her wake.

                “Sophie…” she whined. She stretched her hand to push the kitten off the bed. However somehow the fuzzy little animal had gained 154 pounds and was no longer furry. Groggy with sleep she opened her eyes and waited for them to focus.  

                Brandon was fast asleep next to her.  She then realized she was curled up next to him with her head on his shoulder. It was the way she had slept so many nights after shed snuck out to sleep at Randy’s. She had prided herself in being able to sneak out for so many nights without getting caught.

                This was strangely comfortable and natural to her. If her phone hadn’t vibrated, she hypothesized that she could give into to her selfish wants and fall back asleep with her best friend of twelve years. Instead she dug around in her bed until she located her phone, which had been entangled in many blankets. The glow of her phone burned her eyes in the pitch black room. She had two missed calls and five text messages, all from… Randy.

                Erin, we have to talk.

                C’mon, don’t be like that.

                Erin, please answer.

                I miss you.

                I made a mistake. Come back to me.

                The last was the most striking. Her mind spun in a thousand different directions…

                A brilliant yellow glow suddenly gleamed from under the door. Her only thought was to get Brandon out of her house before she would ever have to explain him to her parents.

                “Brandon! Get Up!” She hissed. He shifted his weight slightly and allowed some air escape his lips. For a split second she thought about kissing him again, but quickly pushed the idea away. With all her might she pushed him off her bed. He woke up with a thud.

                “What the-“She covered his mouth with hand.

                “Get under the bed NOW!” She whispered.

Knock. Knock. Knock. “Erin honey are you okay?”

                “Fuck!”  She whispered under her breath. “Yeah mom. I’m fine.”                            

Her mother turned the knob. Erin threw a worried look to floor to find Brandon wasn’t in sight. Her then trained her eyes on her door when her mother was entering.  Her face was soft and comforting.

                “Hi sweetie. How have you been holding up?”

                “I’ve been okay. Holding up just fine.” She threw a disheveled look around the area closest to her. There were tissues everywhere; the ice cream was dripping out of its carton from being so melted… Her mother was never going to believe she was okay. And to be honest, she had gone through an entire rollercoaster ride of emotions. She had been devastated when Randy left her. Then she felt like she was walking on sunshine when Brandon kissed her; for too long had she held those feelings inside her. Now she was back to being confused and disoriented.  She loved Randy; he made her feel beautiful, and popular, and spontaneous. But he sometimes treated her as if she didn’t matter. At the same time, Brandon inspired her and made her heart soar.  But he was her best friend and she didn’t know if she was willing to risk their friendship. She had been so conflicted in her own thoughts she quickly drowned her pajamas in tears out of frustration. She mother wrapped her arms around her and sat with her until she thought Erin had fallen asleep. She pulled the blankets over her daughter’s shoulders, kissed her forehead and quietly escaped the room.

                Erin peered over the side of her bed. Brandon wasn’t there. She slid farther over the side of her bed to look for him. He wasn’t there either. “Brandon?” She whispered.

                He was gone.

~*~

                Brandon inspected the bruise on his elbow from the night before. It was the only proof he had that the previous night actually happened. At first he thought it was a fantastic dream. Only it was too good to be a dream. Her fingertips burned his skin in a way that someone couldn’t imagine. It was a feeling that had to be experienced. He smiled, and realized why his mouth was so sore. He had never kissed a girl for more than a few seconds, none the less a few hours.  She had stopped for a minute to stare at him. He was so afraid that she’d realized that he was a friend and could be nothing more. Instead she stared into his eyes, and sleepily yawned. He told her he’d stay, that he’d protect her.  As if he said the prefect thing, her face lit up like the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Square, and she grinned. “Sleep.” He told her. She gave in and rested her head on his shoulder. He kissed her forehead and ran his fingers through her hair until he himself had fallen asleep.

                He was unsure of his next move. Did this mean they were more than friends now? Or was she just too out of it to realize he was Bandon not Randy. He quickly pushed the last idea from his head; he didn’t want to believe she didn’t want to kiss him. That she didn’t like him. He wanted to believe that she had done every last thing last night because she wanted him like he had wanted her.

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Did you like it?! I love your comments. SO please add some.

Oh and i have writers block… if anyone wants to help.. comment?

The List – end of chapter one

 He reluctantly made his way up the old latter. Using Erin’s pillow, he quickly was lulled off to sleep filled with yet another dream about her.

~*~

            Brandon woke up with the light streaming across his face. Groggy with sleep he moaned and rolled into a shadow in the tree house. It took him a few minutes to figure out why he’d slept outside. He moved his head ever-so-slightly, and the scent of Erin quickly reminded him of the night before. He sighed.  He couldn’t bring himself to risk their twelve-year old friendship just because he’d started to see her in a new light.

            They’d been friends since the first day of first grade. She liked to remind him that he was dorkiest boy in their class. And he’d tease her back, saying she was lucky he even talked to her since she talked funny. Which was true, she had the heaviest southern accent he’d ever heard. Erin had lived just off the coast of South Carolina since she was three months old. She showed up in this snowy place at the beginning of the school year. She was a tiny little girl with light brown, almost blonde hair. She dressed herself in a plaid shirt, overalls and cowboy boots. No one in class would talk to her. Not only did she dress differently, but she spoke with strange words many of them hadn’t heard before. Event then, despite all her weirdness, Brandon wanted to be friends with the girl.

            A lot had changed from that time. For one, her tanned brown skin was now one the palest shades of white he’d ever layed on eyes on. Her used-to-be blondish hair was dark brown. He joked around with her, saying that symbolically, the lack of sunlight darkened her. Both of them knew that was a complete lie however. She had become a ray of sun shine in his eyes; constantly optimistic and smiling.

            So when he knocked on her window that night and he heard her crying he knew something was unbelievably wrong. “Erin?” He knocked. He heard her walk to the window and unlatch it then walk away again. He assumed that meant it was okay if he entered. Balancing on the tree branch he managed to wedge the window open and squeeze in. He immediately noticed the significant differences in her room. It had tissues scattered everywhere. A carton of half eaten ice cream sat melting there by her bed. But perhaps the most heart wrenching change was that the usually beautiful girl had been reduced to nothing. Her hair was un-brushed and going in a hundred different directions. Her mascara had run down her face and covered her pillows. She had the strawberry themed blankets pulled to up to her chin, yet she was shaking as if she was lying in the snow. Erin’s sobs where gut-churning; it killed him to listen to her cry. He wanted her to stop. He wanted to tell he loved her and that he would make everything better, but what came out of his mouth was nothing like that. “What the hell happened?”

            She just glared at him. He signed. “That came out wrong.” He shuffled his feet. This was definitely going to be harder then he thought. “What happened Erin?” He slowly made his way towards her bed and perched himself on the edge.

            She didn’t say anything, she just continued to cry.

            “Erin…” He began pushing her hair away from her face. She rolled onto her side, with her back facing him and her face turned towards the wall. He slid closer to her, since after all; she practically invited him onto the bed. “Please tell me what’s wrong.” His voice was soft and comforting. He placed his hand lightly on her shoulder. Pulling softly until he could see her eyes. They were like dark chocolate. Over the years he learned that when she was truly happy her eyes were golden amber, and almost black when she was really upset.

            She mumbled some inaudible words. Brandon scrunched his face up. He didn’t want to ask her again. He thought that she would just get more upset for no apparent reason.  She rubbed her back and mustered up the courage to ask her again. “What?” He asked as lightly as he could.

            “He broke up with me….” She trailed off and began crying harder.  Oh yeah. The asshole. At least that’s what Brandon liked to call him. Randy was a tool, in complete honesty. Sure, the guy was attractive. But he had a track record of breaking every girl’s heart in school. Why she ever went out him in the beginning no one could say.Brandon liked to call it one of her blonde moments; just never to her face.

            “He didn’t deserve you.” He looked directly into her eyes so that she would know he was serious.

            “I think it was the other way around… I wasn’t good enough for him.” She squeezed out between tears.

            “Did he tell you that Erin?” She could hear a touch of anger in his voice.

            “No.” She mumbled. “I’m just not good enough for anyone. There’s nothing good about me. I don’t deserve love.”

            He wanted to shake some sense into her, but it went against his better judgment, so he refrained. “Erin,” he mumbled, “you’re beautiful and amazing. You deserve all the love in the world.”

            “No I’m not.”  She said at first. Then the words slowly registered in her head. Her tears slowed to a stop. “What did you say?”

            He blushed for the first time around her. “I said you are beautiful.” His words were so quite she strained to hear him. She expression couldn’t be described as anything other then puzzled.

            “You think so?” She didn’t smile. Her lips actually stayed in a straight line.

            “I do.” He now averted her gaze and studied the grains in her floor boards.

            Her cheeks were flaming a crimson red. In an attempt to push down the overwhelming feelings inside her she quickly changed the subject. “Do you know no why he broke up with me?” Her face scrunched up.

            Yeah. He had an idea why. But he didn’t let that idea pass through his head though. He was angry that he just told her that she was beautiful and all she could think about Randy! “No.” He said curtly.

            “I wouldn’t sleep with him. How could I be so stupid!? I should have just…” he cut her off.

            “You do NOT need to justify yourself to him by sleeping with him. Don’t you dare say you should have.” His face was stern. He was stunned. He never spoke to her like that. He reached by to trace the lines of his face. Her fingertips stung his skin, but in a good way. It felt like a thousand fireworks were being ignited within his heart. It fought every urge in his body to lean down and kiss her. Instead he wiped the tears from her face and smiled.

            Her face changed slowly, and he was afraid that he’d gone too far. That’d she realize any second that he was Brandon and what she was doing crossed their defined line of friendship. Her movements were slow but gentle. And soon he realized that her hand was behind his neck pulling him down to her.

            Their lips met and it felt wrong, but not in a ‘we-shouldn’t-be-doing-this…’ kind of way but in a ‘why-the-fuck-didn’t-I-tell-her-sooner?’ way. It was better then in was in his dreams. Her lips were soft and welcoming.

            But as soon as it started it ended.

            “Oh god.” She covered her eyes. “Brandon I’m sorry-“

            He covered her lips with one finger. “Please don’t say you’re sorry. And don’t take it back.” He pleaded.

            She smiled and pulled him into her, finding his lips yet again.

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So there’s the end of chapter 1.

I hope you liked it.

Please please please comment.

The List – Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Erin stood in her room debating whether or not this was a good idea.  A 35 mm digital camera sat on her bed accompanied by her light orange tee-shirt and a polka dot bra. As she examined her torso in the mirror, all the cons of the plan began to swim in her mind.

            “Oh and I’m fat.” She muttered.

            “Honestly, I beg to differ.” A manly voiced responded. In a split second the blood rushed to her cheeks and her heart began to pound so hard it hurt. She quickly covered her exposed body with her orange tee shirt and spun around to look at the ‘man behind the voice’.

            “Brandon, what the fuck gives you the idea that it’s okay to climb into people’s windows?!” She glared.

            He laughed exposing his perfectly aligned white teeth. “Your glow in the dark white skin beckoned me, Next time I suggest closing the curtains.” He said as he pulled himself over the window sill into her room.

            Erin reached for one of the frilly pillows her mother insisted on keeping on her bed and threw it at Brandon. It flew past his head and sailed through the window. “You’re an asshole.”

            He laughed again. “Didn’t appreciate the pale comment?”

            “No I didn’t. Could you please kindly turn around so I can properly cover my white skin.” She pleaded.

            He sighed. “What’s wrong with the jeans?” Erin threw another pillow at his head. “Fine.” He turned around.

            She turned her back to him and quickly hooked her bra then proceeded to rip the tee-shirt over her head. “Coast is clear.” Erin then noticed the camera still laying on her bed and shoved it under her pillow. In an attempt to look slightly normal she hastily threw herself on her bed.

            Brandon raised an eyebrow at Erin’s weirdness but quickly brushed it off. He walked around her room occasionally picking up things and replacing them in their respectful homes. “What were you doing anyway?”

            Blood quickly rushed back to Erin’s cheeks. “Nothing.” She answered a little too quickly.

            He looked at her with a mischievous grin. “It must have been really good with the way you are acting.” He paused. “Oh and you’re blushing again.”

            Erin was both embarrassed and frustrated. “I wasn’t doing anything.”

            “Okay.” He smirked.

            “I wasn’t!”

            “Okay.”

            “Brandon!” She threw her teddy bear at him.

            “You’re going to have a pretty bare bed if you keep throwing its contents at me.” He said catching the bear.

            “Do you ever stop being such a smart ass?”

            “Nope. Are you ever not a brat?”

            “No,” She glared. “I have to pee.”

            “Thanks for the bluntness.”

            “No problem.” She said and stormed out of her room.

            Brandon slowly made his way over to her desk. A piece of paper sticking out of the bottom drawer attracted his attention. He carefully removed the paper from its resting place. It was a list of some sort…

 

1.       play an acoustic guitar

2.    have a sense of humor

3.    amazing smile

4.    intelligent

5.    confidence

6.     sensitivity

7.     openness

8.    serenade with Billy Joel

9.     The Notebook

 

 

The door creaked.

“What is that?!” Erin growled.

“A list I think.”

“It had better be yours then! You had better have not gone through my desk!”

“I didn’t. It was sticking out of one of the drawers.” Brandon said matter-of-factly.

She stormed across the room and tore the paper from his hands. “Get out.” She said as she pushed him towards the window.

“Aw. But the fun was just beginning.” He chuckled.

“GET OUT!” She screamed.

“Haha. Fine.” He sighed climbing out of her window unto the nearest tree branch. Behind him Erin slammed the window and the glass raddled. He could have sworn he heard her lock the window.

He hopped down off of the tree and stepped on something squishy. “Oh for the love of god don’t let it be the cat.” He said beginning to look down. It was Erin’s lime green pillow. He picked it up, bringing it to his face he quickly caught her scent.  He tucked the half of the list he still had into the pillow case and carried across the street. The lights of his house were all off. Which made sense since it was like eleven o’clock at night. He tried the front door. It was locked. SHIT. “Okay don’t panic. They might have forgotten the back door.” He walked slowly around the house, avoiding running into the metal trashcans.  The back door was locked too. “Guess it’s another night in the tree house.” He reluctantly made his way up the old latter. Using Erin’s pillow, he quickly was lulled off to sleep filled with yet another dream about her.

 

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So that’s Chapter 1. Please add you comments!!! :] thank you.

Coming to terms

Even in my many adventures, I’ve had time to think lately. It’s been nice. I’ve come to terms with many things that have bothered me.1. There are a few boys in my geometry class that (sorry for the wording) literally make me feel like utter shit; when I am one of the brightest in the class. One in particular is egotistical. He used to sit next to me. Mind you he had always treated me with respect. And now he talks and treats me as if I’m under him. The other two boys in the class shouldn’t be talking or degrading me. They are no smarter then me. One constantly asks stupid questions that we’ve gone over already because he STILL doesn’t get it. Then the other is so annoying. No one in the class likes him, we even rejoice when he is not present. That should say something in its self.  I happened to confront my teacher with the truth because theses boys have made me cry on numerous occasions. I wonder if it was the best idea. We were always taught as children to tell an adult when something was wrong. But is that always the best idea? Do they make it worse? And if you can’t lean on them, who do you lean on?2. I’m a hopeless romantic. At first, in the beginning of my relationship everything fell short of expectations… that’s not the right word…aspirations? Yeah that works, anyway. (This is not something that I’m realizing now. I feel like talking about.) I would want my boyfriend to constantly say the “right” or “perfect” thing. And honestly, that’s not fair. He can’t read my mind. He may know what I want, but 89% of the time it’s not going to be exact. I realized today that I don’t care what he says or does anymore’ it doesn’t matter what he does or how it says it, it simply makes me happy now.  Or rather, he makes me happy.  And I’ve fallen for him. 3. You can’t change the people closest to you. They have to change on their own, on their own terms, when they are ready. Perfect Example: My father. As may of you own my parents got divorced when I was 6. So it’s been 10 years. Last year when my older brother went to college my father basically forgot about my existence. He’s called maybe twice. He calls and remembers me when he has time. He told me when we went out to dinner last Tuesday that he would call this week to make plans again. He hasn’t. And I know he won’t. It’s not fair to say that he won’t. But it’s true. He said that he had changed and that he wants to change. I wont’ believe anyone has changed until they have and continue to do it forever (or at least a long while). I’m waiting for him to prove me wrong.I can’t think of what else I was going to talk about. So for now… I’ll leave with pondering that.

Let it BE

 So Many Questions Paired With So Much Love

One of my amazing friends brought up a topic that I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, ‘Whether teenagers fall in love’. How can we possibility understand such a strong feeling at such a young age? Look here. *Cliché!* I’m going to use an e harmony commercial to back my point. “When you connect deeply, with many levels of compatibility (29 dimensions), you create a strong lasting relationship.”  Okay. Put it all together with me. Deep Connection (and I can honestly say I have one) = L.O.V.E. If you connect with someone deeply, then age is no restriction. No deciding factor in the equation of love. Ha! That was corny, but still…Age does not dictate when you can fall in love. I think it’s a matter of maturity and who you connect with.

On that note, I agree with Ben. Those adults should just let us be happy, and stop saying were not in love. Especially our parents, I hate to say this, but if their marriages didn’t work who gives them the right to tell us were not in love, when, who knows if they ever were in the first place. How can they possibility look at their kids and tell them how to feel when 1. They are not them and 2.* they, themselves, couldn’t work it out (no love!). *Where’s the deep compatibility in that?

Am I wrong? I’d love to hear the other side of this argument- From A teenager (I get it from adults all the time).

Ps. He knows most of me now.

When Everything Stops Making Sense

When  everything stops making sense. When the shit hits the fan…. what ever way you spin it, the literal translation would be…”I don’t what the fuck I’m doing anymore.”

May I add : “Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now? As she falls to the ground. Well I’ll tell you my friend,  one day this worlds gonna end.” “Face down in the dirt, she says this doesn’t hurt.”

Before I start this rant, I’d like to note… that I haven’t written anything creatively lately. Nothing. I have to wonder if I’ve lost my touch. I’m sure I can still write. I just have to wonder if it’ll still be good. Actually, I have to wonder if it was ever good in the first place. Or if everyone thought it was horrible. But they all wanted to be nice, so they told me they liked it.  Which makes me wonder if we honestly, truly, come out and say anything in complete honesty if we don’t want to hurt someone. Any other time I think we conceal our own feelings for the benefit of others. Would it be better to just come out in say things? The answer is yes in some people’s minds. “Bottling up your feelings isn’t going to help you.” Of course it’s not. Yet, if you try to explain your feelings other people interpret them differently. Not necessarily badly. But there are times in my life where I don’t want to make sense of what’s happening. I don’t want to rationalize. I just want to be angry. I want to yell and scream and cry and when that passes… i WANT to be happy again.  I want the storm to have passed and a bright shining sun to be in the sky when i finally show my face to the world again.

The more I think about what people know of me the more I realize they don’t know me at all. I  have many faces. “I wear many hats.” And We all do. You can’t honestly look at me and say you are the same person to your “petit(e) ami(e)” as you are to your mother. I know for a fact that I’m not. I know I’m a different person when I’m with my boyfriend as opposed to the person I am when I’m with my best friends. Do they really know me? I know… he doesn’t. He knows one side of me. The one he’s know since August. The girl he met was emotionally unstable with a broken heart. Now what am I? Am I stable now? I find myself crying again. When for 3 straight years I couldn’t cry if i wanted too. He doesn’t begin to scratch the surface of who I am. And i want him to know so much. To not base his feelings on that tiny immature girl he met three months ago. But you can’t walk up to a person and say, “I’m honest.” that has to be proven. For the amount of things I want to prove to him, I’ve found that there isn’t enough time. That precious time I’d rather spend just being with him.

And that reminds me… What the hell did we do that ever made the world try to tear us apart? Have you ever just gotten tired of dealing with other people and what they have to say when it doesn’t concern them. For example: That damn lady at the mall with her 5 year old. “She’s doesn’t see this at home” Okay, then explain to me why you are pregnant now, and how she has never noticed you kiss someone? I hate people. Plain and simple.

If only…

If only you could understand what I’m trying to tell you. Meer words don’t begain to describe to you what’s going on in my head. More then anything I need you to understand. I need you to be here for me. When i can’t say it i need you to figure it out when you only have half the details. No one ever said this was easy. I never told you this relationship was a walk in the park. But certain expectations are unheld in these situtations.

If only… if only you could look into my eyes and see the pain i carry with me everyday. See that, even though you tell me to grow up, I’m far more mature then my years. And i know that. Arrogance, you may say. But i know what’s true about me. For once, I know something definate. I wish you knew what was happening with you. So that I can be there for you. So i can hold you  when you need it, wipe away the tears when it’s needed, and pick you up when you fall. But without that knowlegde I can’t help you. I can only be a sepectator to this horrible game.

If only you could feel what i feel. You’d understand why I’m so frustrated. Why I get angry so easily…

Here for a reason

We are here for a reason. I believe that. I just wish when we reached tennage years we knew why. Life doesn’t work like that i know. I kinda wish we knew who we supposed to be with as well.

As the holiday (movie) says ”you’re going to hurt in places you didn’t know you could hurt in”. And I am. I didn’t think a relationship could cause so much pain when you weren’t in it to begin with. I hate the term “complicated”! It pisses me off. I’m getting sick of things being complicated.  Let’s just take a look at my recent relationships… April–> He’s gay now. June–> It just ended. that leaves the current… that again isn’t a relationship.

God, i can’t even say what i need to say. I don’t want hurt anyone. But “YOU’RE NOT MAKING SENSE ANYMORE” and I’m supposed to understand?? And go along with it?? Can you hear youself anymore? Do you even know what you’re asking me? Do you even know me? I think that’s the question. I think I’m just that carbon copy of perfection. or at least you though i was perfect. Until you went away.. came back and realized I’m not. Not one is.

I’m sitting here with my closestest friends chatting in im boxes and I can’t even tell them what’s wrong anymore. I’ve lost trust in so many people. Maybe I messed that up for myself by putting myself in the postion to being hurt. Or maybe there are just some people in the world who mess things up. I could blame by step father.. from when I was 8. But honestly, is it fair to blame? Maybe I did something wrong. And deserved what happened. Maybe I didn’t. What didn’t kill me made me stronger. Even when I didn’t want to live anymore.

Sometimes they don’t get it

Are your friends really your friends when you can’t tell them everything?

Or do we all have friends like that? The friends we talk to about relationships and then the friends where we only talk about serious emotional issues? I’ve been thinking about that lately.

I can tell my brother anything. I guess in reality he is the person I trust most in the world. After that there are my best friends. But… I wouldn’t say the same things to each one. One i prefer to talk to her about my home life, because she knows where I’m coming from. Another I like to talk to her about relationships because she gives great advice. The other two i love to be around more then anything. They are the 2 out of the 4 best friends I’d rather be with then talk to. Don’t get me wrong I can talk to them. But they are the type of people who i can sit with and feel completely comfortable not saying a word. Like nothing needs to be said to understand what each other is thinking.

Maybe it’s just me. I guess I don’t think I can talk to certain friends about certain things. It’s just not okay in my head. Does that make me weird? Or is that normal? Do we all have friends like that?

I’ve tried talking to my hangout friend out relationships and it seems like it’s never what she wants to talk about…like it’s not something she’s okay with. It’s not  that she doesn’t get it… I guess it more like talking about sex with your parents…. it uncomfortable and not said often. Well in less you are extremely close with your parents.

I guess what it all comes down too is…

Can they be your best friends if you can’t tell them everything?

Hide

Lost in thought…

your words on repeat

wishing fate intervened

wishing chance relapsed

Wishing you were here…

Take you away with me

watch the sunset together

squeeze your hand

hold you and never let go

Be together, forever…

Take you away from your hell

your lies

hide you away

show you compassion

shower you with love

Stay with me

Let me love you

Take you away

And get lost.